Humour : Corrupt Indian Bureaucrat building Taj Mahal for wife

New Delhi : Mr Ghotala Prasad, an IAS officer in the Ministry of Urban & Rural Development has started construction on building a replica of the “Taj Mahal” to pacify his wife, who is reportedly unhappy of the fact that Mr Ghotala is not spending the bribes and commissions that he has accumulated over his tenure as a bureaucrat in the Indian Government. Sources close to Mrs Ghotala have claimed that she was quite upset that she had to face a lot of problems negotiating the amount of bribe to be given to the  Income Tax officials who used to regularly drop in to conduct an Income Tax raid at her house.

Due to these issues, she had often threatened to force Mr Ghotala to drink  karele ka Juice  and only cook dishes that involve  “Karela”, this being the vegetable which she knows Mr Ghotala hates to the core. Apart from that she has also threatened to invite her mother to come and live with her, which she knows would rile up Mr Ghotala.

    Mr Ghotala had initially thought about showering his wife with expensive jewellery but then decided to go ahead and build a full scale replica of the Taj Mahal to ensure that she does not invite his mother in law to come and live with him. On enquiring on the costs involved to replicate the Taj Mahal he replied that it was a small price to pay and would just cost him a fraction of his assets in the numerous bank accounts in the various tax havens around the world, and he would be able to recover the money with the commissions from the various contractors who are bidding for some of the infrastructural projects which have been stalled by his ministry.


 Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended to the characters in this article.

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Humour : Crime Master Gogo thinking about joining Indian Politics

New Delhi : As there have been some rumors regarding  Crime master Gogo the great nephew of Mogambo thinking about standing up in the upcoming elections, we decided to do an interview with him to clarify our doubts, here is the  full transcript

Nautanki Reporter (NR) : Namaste Mr GoGo, how are you ?
Crime Master Gogo (CMG) : Abe chavaani chaap reporter how dare you address me as just Mr GoGo don’t you know I am Crime Master GoGo so you better start addressing me as Crime Master GoGo-ji otherwise Aankhen nikaal kar gotiyan khelunga
NR : Oh sorry, mistake mein galti se ho gaya….Sir can you please can you clarify if you are going to stand for the upcoming election ?
CMG : Well yes, after all most of my jail buddies are elected representatives there in the parliament, so I am actually looking to meet them
NR : So what will be your election symbol ?
CMG : Well I am thinking of applying for a revolver as a election symbol, after all it projects  my true  occupation, I am just wondering why all the other political parties haven’t chosen this symbol, as a majority of these political parties employ people who are experts at swindling, extortion  & killings.
NR : So sir can you please elaborate on any new changes that you wish to introduce to improve the lives of the common man.
CMG : Well there are quite a lot, I was thinking about introducing some laws to fix the percentage the amount of money swindled by politicians and also bring in laws to decrease the pressure of the law on Kidnappers & Extortionists you know !!,this will inturn benefit the common people as they would have a more organized mugging & extortion schedule, after all business is very bad these days and there is so much pressure  that is being put on us by the great Mogambo to increase our crime rate.
NR : Thank you Mr GoGo…er….Crime Master Gogo-ji
CMG : Dhakki tiki dhakki tiki dhakki tiki thaa… Crime Master Gogo………… Khush Hua

Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended on the characters in this article.

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Humour : Dog refuses to participate in pet fashion show

New Delhi : "Napoleon" the long bodied, short & stubby legged 5 year old dachshund of Mrs Jhumki Thumki, who lives in the posh areas of Greater Kailash II has refused to participate in the local dog fashion show, citing the pressure on him to wear outrageous outfits in front of the other dogs.

In an exclusive interview that we had with Mrs Jhumki Thumki's favorite pet Napoleon, he claimed that in-spite of being highly educated, multi - millionaires, Delhi-ites actually have no fashion sense, and are usually don't care much about their dogs who have often been the subject of much ridicule & fun to the other dogs in the locality (especially other street dogs) as they parade around with really weird hairstyles & make-up that they have to endure to compete in the pet show.

On the other hand Mrs Jhumki Thumki is very upset at her pet dog's refusal to participate in the pet show, as this has robbed her the opportunity to flaunt her new 30 lakh rupee necklace in front of Mrs Arora, who is often seen trying to project her wealth over other ladies in their area kitty party. She claimed that she had spent a fortune on getting a doggy manicure and a expensive hairstylist for Napoleon to participate in the dog show, but was extremely disappointed when he refused to walk the ramp with her....and is now talking of how she had ill-treated her ..............and now is threatening her to report & file a case against her with the PETA......

Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended on the characters in this article.

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Humour : Local MLA asks police to catch pigeons shitting on his statue

Uttar Pradesh : An MLA in the Uttar Pradesh assembly has ordered his area police to catch and jail pigeons after some of them used his statue as a prime spot to drop their poo.

Mr Banana Singh who won the last assembly elections decided to utilize 90% of the Area development funds to erect a bunch of statues all over his constituency to celebrate his victory.

He claimed that as a member of the lower caste he had done this service to help and empower the other lower caste people in his constituency, by helping the poor and disadvantaged sections of the society feel more confident in striving for a better future, after taking inspiration from his statues.

However most of his joy turned to anger at the sight of pigeons who had desecrated his statue by shitting on it despite his efforts to employ private guards to protect his statue, he has asked his area SP (Superintendent  of Police) to ensure that they catch and punish these pigeons. There have also been talks of him meeting the state finance minister and forcing him to introduce a new fund in the legislative assembly that would help train the local police in “pigeon-catching”

 As an added measure of protection to save his precious statues he has asked the local Mullah to also issue a fatwa to declare the pigeons as the ”Agents of the devil”, and is also contemplating on holding a huge “Yagna” to impress some Hindu gods to help him teach these pigeons a lesson.

Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended on the characters in this article.

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Humour : High profile MP’s Dog ecstatic at getting Z-plus security cover

Uttar Pradesh : The Union Home Ministry has granted Z-plus security to an Influential high profile MP’s dog. Mr Bhrasht Kutta (Corrupt Dog) the MP’s favorite dog appears quite happy at this decision, he has responded by licking the photograph of the Union Home minister.

   As per RTI reports filed, it appears that Mr Bhrasht Kutta had a lot of security concerns regarding the presence of other dangerous dogs who roamed the streets, as per reports one of these dangerous dogs had barked ferociously at him, when he was urinating on the streetlight that his master had inaugurated a few days ago.

On being asked if there was any chance that he would have be rejected, Mr Kutta angrily barked that if he been rejected,  he would have covered the Home minister’s compound in Delhi with faeces and also bitten his Bottom.

   Now Mr Kutta would have his own entourage of 36 personnel with a couple of highly trained NSG Super black-cat commandos personally standing guard whenever he is urinating on any parked car or streetlight in his neighborhood, he would also get his own bullet & bomb proof vehicle with 2 police pilot cars all paid and financed by the taxpayer.

So now Mr Kutta is expectedly quite overjoyed with this development and is waiting  to show off his importance & his new security cover in front of the area sweetheart “Miss Kuttia” so as to increase  his chances of procreation with her….

Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended on the characters in this article.

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Humour : Monkey fools Delhi University girls on Facebook

New Delhi : it has come to our notice that a Monkey in the Delhi zoo who is named “Prince” has opened a Facebook account and has befriended hundreds  of girls in Delhi, by posting a picture of a local TV actor on his profile.

All this started when some Indian scientists working in a nearby research laboratory installed a computer with an internet connection to study the intelligence of caged monkey’s .

A monkey called “Prince” who also the most mischievous little simian of the whole lot ( As per the zoo director) showed a lot of interest in this funny machine that made weird noises and showed great pictures.

As per the researchers this "Smart" simian was able to not only browse the internet but also make effective use of a popular social networking website to make a fool out of more educated being (The average Delhi – female).

Girls in Delhi have taken an umbrage to this event and have launched an agitation to remove “Prince” from Facebook, One DU girl Miss Jhumki Thumki has tweeted that “This event shows that the all-male creatures in the ape genealogy suffer from the MCP (Male Chauvinistic Pig) syndrome and should be horribly punished for attempts to make a fool out of the fairer sex.”

After this tweet a group of Delhi university girls landed up outside Prince’s cage in the zoo and started raising slogans against him. “Prince” & his monkey friends have responded by throwing their fecal matter at the girls……..

Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended on the characters in this article.

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Humour : Indian Cows don’t like foreigners

 Varanasi: Cows on the lanes  in Varanasi have complained to their local MP on being hounded by foreigners, who they accuse of clicking too many pictures, often not allowing enough time for  the cows to pose for the camera. These bad pictures have often led to bad publicity and are ruining the “Gau - mata” brand that the Indian cows have enjoyed for centuries.
   
One cow “Champa” appeared to be quite irritated at the way these foreigners keep on clicking pictures before she can even pose for the picture, and to add insult to the injury, they don’t even offer any “Chapattis” or even pat her head after taking pictures in affection as most Indians do !!

     These cows have now formed an association called Indian Cows Against Foreigners (ICAF) and have threatened to wear black coloured bells and protest in front of these foreign embassies in Delhi. This powerful association has also warned the Indian public that they will stop producing milk for them if their complaints are not taken seriously.

    The local MP to whom they complained who is quite influential and a good friend of the External Affairs Minister, is now working on drafting a new set of laws, which will make clicking pictures of a cow without obtaining permission from the External affairs Ministry an offence. He has also stated on record that “We will take all necessary steps to reduce such incidents which threaten our position as a market leader in Dairy products in the world”.

Champa on the other hand is not quite pleased with the current progress that the government is making on the issue, and with some of her bovine friends has already decided to cover the local leader’s compound with her “Gobar” as a mark of protest.
 
Please Note : This article is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended on the characters in this article.

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Top Motivational and Inspirational Quotes 76 - 100

76. “Talent is formed in solitude, character in the bustle of the world.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
77. “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. – Elbert Hubbard
78. If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up. – J.M. Power
79. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day – Robert Frost
80. Ive learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. – Maya Angelou
81. “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. – William James
82. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’– Sydney Harris
83. Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was. – Richard L. Evans
84. “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. – Robert Frost
85. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. – Eleanor Roosevelt
86. Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. – Seneca
87. Do first things first, and second things not at all. – Peter Drucker.
88. The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. – Foster’s Law
89. Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it. – Joe Clark
90. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. – Winston Churchill
91. Positive anything is better than negative thinking. - Elbert Hubbard
92. People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
93. Those who wish to sing, always find a song.- Swedish Proverb
94. If you’re going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
95. The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
96. Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. - Voltaire
97. Enduring habits I hate…. Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits. - Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882
98. There is no education like adversity. - Disraeli
99. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. - Friedrich Nietzsche
100. Adversity introduces a man to himself. – Author Unknown

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Top Motivational and Inspirational Quotes 51 - 75

51. Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes but don’t quit. – Conrad Hilton
52. Attitudes are contagious. Make yours worth catching. – Unknown
53. Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. – John Wooden
54. There are only two rules for being successful. One, figure out exactly what you want to do, and two, do it. – Mario Cuomo
55. Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can. – Richard Bach
56. Vision doesn’t usually come as a lightening bolt. Rather it comes as a slow crystallization of life challenges that we one day recognize as a beautiful diamond with great value to ourselves and others.
– Dr. Michael Norwood
57. Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success. – Dr. Joyce Brothers
58. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. – Samuel Beckett
59. Flops are a part of life’s menu and I’ve never been a girl to miss out on any of the courses. – Rosalind Russell
60. Cause Change & Lead
Accept Change & Survive
Resist Change & Die
– Ray Norda, Chairman, Novell
61. Winners lose much more often than losers. So if you keep losing but you’re still trying, keep it up! You’re right on track. – Matthew Keith Groves
62. An idea can turn to dust or magic, depending on the talent that rubs against it. – Bill Bernbach
63. An obstacle is often a stepping stone. – Prescott
64. Life is “trying things to see if they work” Ray Bradbury
65. If you worry about yesterday’s failures, then today’s successes will be few. Anonymous
66. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. Dennis P. Kimbro
67. We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities. Ralph Waldo Emerson
68. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
69. In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. Thomas Jefferson
70. I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right. Albert Einstein
71. Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great. Machiavelli.
72. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. Mahatma Gandhi
73. “You are what you think about all day long.” — Dr. Robert Schuller
74. What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say” — Ralph Waldo Emerson”
75. Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed. - Booker T. Washington

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Top Motivational and Inspirational Quotes 26 - 50

26. Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. – Roy Goodman
27. If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. – E. Joseph Cossman
28. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
29. We judge of man’s wisdom by his hope. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
30. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain
31. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain
32. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect. – Mark Twain
33. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. – Mark Twain
34. The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed. – Richard B. Sheridan
35. Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
36. “Act or accept.” - Anonymous
37. Many great ideas go unexecuted, and many great executioners are without ideas. One without the other is worthless. – Tim Blixseth
38. The world is more malleable than you think and it’s waiting for you to hammer it into shape. – Bono
39. Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you. – Dr Phil
40. Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly. – Stephen R. Covey
41. People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success. – Norman Vincent Peale
42. Whenever you find whole world against you just turn around and lead the world. – Anonymous
43. Being defeated is only a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent.
– Marilyn vos Savant, Author and Advice Columnist
44. I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened by old ones. – John Cage
45. Fall down seven times, get up eight. - Japanese Proverb
46. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. – Unknown
47. The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Unknown
48. Anyone can do something when they WANT to do it. Really successful people do things when they don’t want to do it. – Dr. Phil
49. There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. – Dr. Denis Waitley
50. Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. –  Winston Churchill

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Top Motivational and Inspirational Quotes 1 - 25

1. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. – Aristotle
2. The best way out is always through. – Robert Frost
3. Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking. – William B. Sprague
4. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. – Albert Einstein
5. Whether you think you can or think you cannot, youre right. – Henry Ford
6. I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become. – Oprah Winfrey
7. Ive missed more than 9000 shots in my career. Ive lost almost 300 games. 26 times, Ive been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. Ive failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed – Michael Jordan
8. You must be the change you want to see in the world. – Mahatma Gandhi
9. What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. – Goethe
10. You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want. – Zig Ziglar
11. Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. – Mahatma Gandhi
12. Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything. – Napoleon Hill
13. Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. – Truman Capote
14. Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare. – Japanese Proverb
15. In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing. – Theodore Roosevelt
16. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet. – Isaac B. Singer
17. Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well. – Unknown
18. Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down. – Charles F. Kettering, Engineer and Inventor
19. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. – Mark Twain
20. Losers visualize the penalties of failure. Winners visualize the rewards of success. – Unknown
21. Some succeed because they are destined. Some succeed because they are determined. – Unknown
22. Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want. – Dan Stanford
23. Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means. – Albert Einstein
24. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. – Hugh Downs
25. If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. – Marie Osmond

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Humour : Indian Government hires “Computer baba” to save itself from hackers

New Delhi : After suffering a spate of attacks from computer hackers who have often managed to steal a considerable amount of confidential data, the Indian government has finally hired a “Computer Baba” to help itself guard against such future attacks from hackers.

          

Mr Raju who is a  carpenter by profession renounced the worldly pleasures and donned the garbs of a spiritual baba in 1990, Five years later he was gifted a laptop by one of his followers and was rechristened as “Computer Baba”.

“Computer baba” is said to hold certain powers which work better than the programing skills of the best software professionals in the entire world. Those who have seen him work claim that most of the computers just obey him without him even entering a single word of code on his machine, he is said to be a great “Mouse- Charmer” who considers the Internet as his area of expertise.
 

   Apparently a lot of computer scientists from the top Indian Universities and some foreign universities  have shown a lot of of interest in his abilities and his skills and are already working hard at trying to decode the strange gibber-jabber that he keeps on mumbling to make the entire system secure.

Our sources have also claimed that some western governments are in serious negotiations with the “Chela’s” of computer baba to also help them secure their own networks which have often seen a spate of attacks from rival powers. Sources also indicate that some powerful western governments have also offered him the “Nobel prize” as compensation if he agrees to mount attacks on the rival governments.

Meanwhile “Computer baba” sits and fiddles with the mouse in his hand and as the “Master of the Internet” he has the whole world at his feet…………

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Humour : Local Ghost decides to fight Municipal Elections in East delhi

East Delhi : A local ghost Mr Khooni Chaacha quite unhappy with the performance of his local  Municipality, has decided to fight the local elections after he contracted the deadly dengue fever on being bitten by a mosquito, who lives in a hole outside his haveli.

Mr Khooni Chaacha who haunts the 1850 built haveli in Old delhi, has often tried unsuccessfully to complain to the Municipality against the increasing levels of water & trash that often accumulates outside his haveli.

Mr Khooni Chaacha had tried complaining to the Municipal Cooperation of Delhi (MCD) to have them cover the hole or remove the trash, but on seeing him and his 5 inch long teeth they had run away after submitting a letter requesting leave to their superiors, who also incidentally jumped out of their respective windows and fled in horror of a ghost roaming in the MCD office.

After gathering a lot of courage and taking a couple of ghost protection talisman's we finally managed to enter Mr Khooni Chaacha’s Haveli.

He appeared on the door with a large blanket draped on his head and carrying a couple of small box of tissues  in his right hand, as he seemed to be quite weakened by this sudden bout of dengue that had affected his strength and magical abilities that he proudly boasts of ,continously mentioning a tale of how he had chased a full team of  armed robbers a full five kilometers that had once tried to steal  an award which he had won at the annual "HUMAN SCARING COMPETITION". He Explained how the robbers had taken a fancy to the award due to its golden color and how he had used his magical powers to conjure up a cricket  bat  to thrash and chase them for a full 5 kilometers.

He then showed us the little hole that he had dug outside his Haveli to dump the bodies of his victims, while simultaneously expressing his disgust at the people living nearby who he claimed to be sick and tired of the weird creep and noisy parties that he used to organize, as they unanimously decided to teach him a lesson by dumping their trash in the hole in front of his haveli.

 

On the other hand the Mosquito who bit him stated in his interview to us that he was quite bored of biting humans  and that he wanted to do something new and had finally decided to bite Mr Khooni Chaacha.

Now Mr Khooni chaacha obviously perturbed by the attitude of the Municipal officers has decided to  fight the next municipal elections from East delhi and is currently looking for PR managers  who would prepare his campaign for the next elections.

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Humour : Monkey pays “Hafta” in banana's to animal services to continue terrorizing locals

Gorakhpur, UP : In another case of extreme corruption in the Uttar pradesh Government that has caught the eyes of the nation, A local Langur “Gobar Singh” that is quite famous for terrorizing the lanes of Gorakhpur, has been identified for paying his regular bribe of 3 dozen bananas to the local Animal catcher  to avoid getting caught and relocated to the nearest zoo.

        “Gobar Singh” has terrorized the colony of 200 odd people, who live in perpetual fear of this modern day terrorist, who is armed with sharp claws, and is often seen roaming around  the colony along with his band of 20-30 fellow simians.

       Gobar’s story starts from the time that he was captured by the local animal catcher,  who relocated him to the local zoo. There he was hounded and teased by these other uncouth barbarians (people visiting zoo) who used to come by his cage and make faces and throw rocks at him. Tormented & badly bruised he then vowed revenge on such filthy & disgusting beings that had led him to his miserable condition, and escaped after impersonating a local MLA who he had seen on TV in the UP Legislative assembly. We got to know later that due to certain similarities in the nature of their behaviour ( MLA’s & the Langur’s in a zoo) he managed to escape without raising even an eyelid. He then decided to take advantage of the  bribe giving culture that is prevalent in the society ,to make sure he gets to exact his revenge from the uncouth barbarians who had tormented him so much while he was caged in the zoo.

And now he and his group of brothers are often seen dancing to the tune of “Shiela Ki Jawani” from the radio that they managed to snatch from the local shopkeeper, and as his name suggests also throwing their own faeces at people in the colony.

 

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